I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
