This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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