My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
