The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
