you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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