Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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