The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
