Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
