Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
