Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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