i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
