I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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