So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
