shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
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