someone threw a dead crab at me
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize