I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
