I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
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