Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize