Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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