i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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