ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize