dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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