The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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