Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
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