Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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