??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
