Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
