Got a toothbrush?
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
