I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
