i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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