i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
