Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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