I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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