just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
