my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
