You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
