Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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