A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
