I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
