By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I need water and some morals
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
