well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
