new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
