It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
