she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
