Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
