Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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