FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
