my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
