nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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