Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
