god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
