Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
