ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Why is there bacon in the couch?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
