I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Let's get the cat blown out
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize