I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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