I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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