My Higher Power is John Stamos
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
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