So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I need to stop coming to work sober
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
