im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
