I can text with my tongue
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
