I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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