Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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